September 27, 2008

that feeling

i'm home, and the feeling is getting worse.

everyone knows that feeling. everyone has felt that way, at least once in their lives. at least.
you know how it feels i'm sure. you care about someone so much, and you'd give anything for them, but at one point, you start to think, does this person even cares about you? does this person give any notice about you?

so, i had a rough 9-hour trip to Bandung, and it sucked so bad because all my exictment has gone. i got terribly angry at some people before i went. so i hated my decision going there, and i felt so friggin stupid to make such stupid decisions. i wasn't excited to meet anyone. i was too heart broken to even give a little smile.

as i was staring at the empty seat in front of me, i realised something. something that hasn't stop wandering in my mind until now. i've always been busting my ass just to try to make other people happy. i give everything i have to make anyone happy. i could give all my money, all my heart, all my time, anything. that's all i've been doing for almost 19 years of my life. i care, i care too much. i really do care about what people say about me, i care of what they think. i listen to everything everyone says to me, wheter it's good or bad. i cry when they hurt me, but i easily forgive. i'm too sentimental for friendships, and not to mention love relationships. i care too much until i really forget to care about myself.

today i found out that, noone cares.
noone cares who you are, what you do, what you say.
noone cares what you think, what you give.
noone does. so why do we do these things?
why should we care? why should we try so fucking hard to care?

i hate being a girl. girls are fucking sensitive, and it disgusts me.
i'll write later about my trip home.

someone told me, love is hard. and love is never blind.
i've came to believe that now.


ps.
i finally met Jason, it felt great being able to hug him.
he has changed a lot, and it's like i don't know him anymore.
i hope this feeling goes away. i hate knowing noone cares.
i like to be loved, it's the only thing i've always wanted.

September 12, 2008

under control


i don't want to change the world, i just want to know you're alright
-under control, the strokes

i've got myself absolutely busy these past weeks. assignments are pouring in, and i get all lazy to do them. but then eventually i do all the tasks anyway, otherwise i've got nothing to do. my everyday life has been pretty much the same routine.


and you know i miss you!

one from loads of my new experiences, i had to do another thing i've never done. i went to the train station to get a ticket to Bandung where Jason lives for the holidays. quite ordinary, but i've never done that before. you know, booking my own ticket, going on a trip by myself, with my own money. and something interesting, i've never been on train in Indonesia either! yes, i find the trains here are unsafe and i actually feel very terrified, but i can't afford a plane trip and there aint no plane to Bandung anyway, so there's no other choice i guess. (Unaware of where Bandung is? click HERE) two weeks from today, i'll be on a train, all by myself, off to spend the holiday with my boyfriend. i only have 2 weeks off from college, then i gotta go back as soon as possible. but i'm definitely very very excited.

i never call home, is that wrong? well, i just think i don't have anything to say. i message my mom every once of a while, and chat with my sister sometimes. but that's pretty much it. i can't wait to go home though! to be between the people i love again. oh two weeks, two weeks! i'm getting myself as busy as i can so time passes quickly.

there'll be lots of awesome events coming in Jogja after the holidays, then i'll be able to start taking photos again. it's been awhile. and i miss working behind the camera, i'll be happy to know you're waiting :)

P.S : my mom wrote her own version about me moving to Jogja and starting my new life on her personal blog, check out what she had to say about me, click HERE. she would really love your comment :p talk you again in a bit