January 29, 2011

Honesty

I have been thinking a lot about honesty these past few days. I think I have come to a point in my life where I've learned from my own experiences, where those experiences of mine contradicts most of things I've been taught through out my childhood until my recent 20s. And one of em is about honesty.


We were all raised to understand the knowledge of right and wrong, good and bad, and so many other ways to say it. One of many, we were raised to know that being honest is the most noble trait we can have and our honesty shall be rewarded with blessings. In my case, I was raised simply to know that lying is bad. Once I grew a little and entered a muslim school in Indonesia, I learned that lying is a sin. But then, just as I turned into a teenager, I made friends with my rebellion side, as many of us do, not all of us, but definitely most of us. We lie to get or achieve certain things we want or probably need.


This post is about honesty. So I'm not going too deep into lies and betrayal, or else I might have to make a horrible judgmental post, no one wants that I assume?


I really need to get this thought off my chest. These past years, I've been feeling that instead of gaining some kind of reward or blessing, honesty has in fact brought me trouble! I wonder what's up with that. I'm thinking of sharing some of my experiences in this matter, I hope you don't mind reading.


First I shall tell a little story about my current relationship. My boyfriend and I are like best friends, we tell each other about everything, well at least I do. Honesty is a MUST trait in any relationship, right? I'm pretty confident that our relationship posses that trait. However though, sometimes, honest comments hurt, don't you think? Here's a story. My boyfriend, like any men on earth, just CAN'T deny the fact if there's a presence of a beautiful girl. Pffft, men! I know right! Firstly, the comments comes as jokes. I'd hear him say about some random girl, "Ah, she's so cute", and I'll show my agreement when "she" really is. And he would tease me for days about that girl. Trying to get me jealous? Or not? I really don't know. But when one girl becomes two, then three, then I am completely jealous and annoyed by 10-15 girls. Those poor girls, he made me think of them as bitches even though they have done nothing wrong! The thing is, I'm not only jealous (and I'm usually not a jealous kind of girlfriend anyway), however though, it makes me feel ugly, makes me feel less cute, makes me feel insecure. And definitely makes me think "what if he leaves me for one of those cute bitches?". So honesty about other sexual attractions isn't a blessing for me. But hiding it and lying about it also sucks! So now what?


Another relationship story. I'm sure most of you know my last relationship. That relationship had to end due to honesty. I had to find out the hard way by listening to his honest confession about his exhaustion of our long distance relationship. He was honest. But I was left hurt and I've never felt more alone and lied to ever in my life! That is definitely not a blessing. Not a blessing on his part either as we had to break up and he had his name written in a book sold all over Indonesia. Hahaha. Pardon me, I didn't mean to sound evil, you know I didn't.


When it comes to family, honesty hasn't brought me that much of blessings either. Well, some did, in a long long long run, I have to admit that. But here's one case. Remember my college screw-up last year? Mmmhmm, I'm sure you remember. I'll never forget it either. Honesty creeps me out you know. It took me two years to finally confess to my mother about my unhappiness in college. Whoa, there was a bomb, almost literally. As she screamed to my face for hours (well, she screamed because I had terrible grades actually not the honest part). But still, after all the hard work she has done in order to get me into a decent university, how could I be honest? Tell her, "umm mom, sorry, but apparently I hate college". I couldn't. I tried though! I told her the truth in my book. I wrote a whole chapter for her. She called me crying, but it didn't change anything. This problem is shared by many out there, having parents forcing you into schools or into beliefs you're not quite sure of. But where will honesty bring you? Our conservative parents can't handle honesty. Our honesty is like betrayal in their eyes don't you agree? Not a blessing. Just trouble.


Lastly, to you, my readers. Wow, where do I start? You people are what made me get into this whole idea about how honesty is the satan's work just to put me in misery. Hahaha. If you have read my book, I'm sure you have found how honest I am. There is nothing I hide. I have been receiving praises about that. About how my book is probably one of the most honest books that could be written by an Indonesian teenager. But it has also caused many hate mails and critics from those who feel utterly grossed out by my honesty. Some say I'm promoting free sex, smoking and alcohol to youngsters. When in fact, I never wrote once in my book about me having sex. And about smoking and alcohol, I was just honest. And I'm already a legal age anyway when I started smoking and drinking. That's who I am, that's how most kids in Jakarta are. It's the inconvenient truth, indeed. But I refuse to be said that I'm actually supporting kids to have sex carelessly, smoke ciggs and drink alcohol underage. That is the exact opposite of what I've wrote in my book! Another not so blessed outcome from my honesty.


You're aware of Formspring.me right? Well this website has made it easier for my readers to ask any kind of questions to me directly and I always have a couple hours a day to answer them. Still, also always trying to be completely honest in answering. But then, when I answer some questions with my personal opinions about certain topics, such as religion, virginity, piracy, alcohol, drugs, etc., I always get angry hateful responses! Why? I'm just being honest here people, would you prefer me lying instead? I can if you want me to. And then, before I know it, I might lose a bunch of readers due to my honest answers and opinions. Yet another proof my honesty that isn't rewarded with blessings.


I'm not stupid, of course. I know honesty is a good trait. I know which honest comments are meant to be said and which really aren't. People have feelings. I know that. I am consciously careful about everything I say. I really am. But look now, honesty has brought painful comebacks to me and also to others. Just as painful as deceptions & lies. So when it comes to being honest about feelings, is it just better to hide them? You know, just in order to protect yourself and others? Try telling me that honesty will reward you in a long run, in some way, karma will get to you. I've heard that and I'm still waiting for some proof.


My last question sounds stupid doesn't it? But please do send some feedback. Try not leave hurtful ones, I'm just being honest :-)




P.S: I hate blogs without photos! So here's photobooth shots of me and my man. We would look so good if we made a duo indie band wouldn't we? We're having our anniversary next month x